Two very different varieties under the word love
Do the loving and be aware of our immature fixation on being loved
Being loved is the norm as a child. Parents dont reveal hardships to child. Relationship is almost always non-reciprocal. Parent and child both love but on different ends of loving and being loved.
When we long for love, we want to be loved as once loved by a parent.
We picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, be patient and sympathetic to us, make it all better – this is all a disaster
To make it work need to relinquish own demands for needs of another. We have to put someone else ahead of us – true mature love.
Were not free to be attracted to just anyone. Tend to have strong psychological types we cant deviate from. inner shopping lists.
List doesnt always include being kind, understanding, friendly, from our age and social group.
We neglect potential candidates as boring or wrong and choosing those not conducive to our happiness
Why cant we settle down with people that are good for us? Were looking for someone familiar (parents mainly or earliest care givers). Does knowing this make it possible to change?
1. We end up feeling hurt in love. Imagine parents had particular traits – we look for that in love. Why? even though it was horrible, it was still a love relationship. Bad times but also familiarity, admiration, attachment, tenderness. Now it doesnt feel right unless its like that as well – feels comfortable.
2. We end up causing hurt in love. If you were hurt or made to feel bad, you do it to someone else. A primitive part of us things the only way not to be hurt is be the one hurting. I need to be the opposite of what happened to me to find safety
3. We pay too high a price for a safe candidate. We link positive traits with negative and thus when we find positive traits in suitors, its deemed bad and off putting
Inner love maps hard to tease out. Make efforts to understand and free ourselves from their demands.
Ask what did i suffer from at hands of early caregivers, am i drawn to that in adults i like, am i causing trouble in ways i suffered from, am i put off by traits associated with early loved ones as a child
Emotional health means expanding on the number of people free to fall in love with. Liberate ourselves from the trauma when we realize we can love in different ways.
Get used to something unfamiliar – being happy with someone properly and deeply good for us.